Jive Talking

Can You Tell the Difference Between Charles Manson's Biography and the Bee Gees'?

By Alan Scherstuhl Thu., Jul. 25 2013 at 9:00 AM

They all got dressed up for picture day!

Plump new biographies of two different charismatic cult leaders whose Beatles obsessions combined to kill the '60s dead: murderin' Family man Charles Manson, and falsettoin' man-family the Bee Gees! Unfortunately, the dust jackets got mixed up, and now we can't tell which book is which. Can you? Below are thirteen actual passages pulled from David N. Meyer's The Bee Gees: The Biography or Jeff Gunn's Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson. Can you tell which is which?
See also: 30 Facts About Ke$ha Gleaned From Her New Book My Crazy Beautiful Life
To get you started, here's a sample of the differences between the books:

When asked what the lyrics to "More Than a Woman" were about, Robin said, in one of his classic retorts, "Three tits, two vaginas." (The Bee Gees: The Biography)

Charlie's most notorious outburst aired in 1988, when he snarled to TV interviewer Geraldo Rivera that "I'm going to chop up some more of you motherfuckers .... I'm going to pile you up to the sky." (Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson)

Got it? Then let's go!
Note: Sometimes, I've removed a proper name, just to make it more challenging. And at other times I've added a proper noun, in brackets, to make these funnier.

1. The bottom line, the only factor that ultimately mattered, was whether someone could sell enough records or not. Genius on the artist's part, whether genuine or self-perceived, didn't matter a damn.

2. Parts for dune buggy renovations were expensive.

3. While such behavior used to be regarded as pathological, current thinking suggests that the urge to light things up and burn them down is a natural aspect of childhood development. In other children, however, this urge is often subject to parental restraint.

4. Time passes differently when one is married to a Druid priestess.

5. He expected that the song would be recorded by the Beach Boys exactly as he had written it, or at least that his lyrics would remain intact. [Dennis] Wilson let him believe it.

6. ____ explained that the Beatles were notifying the world of what was about to happen--a terrible race war where blacks slaughtered most whites, and the only survivors would take refuge in a bottomless desert pit.

7. "Kids don't know the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper," _____ told Playboy, though it might have been the speed doing the talking. "And when those who do see our film and hear us doing it, that will be the version they relate to and remember. you see, there is no such thing as the Beatles. They don't exist as a band and never performed Sgt. Pepper live."

8. [He] ... moved into an eighty-foot houseboat that had belonged to a recently deceased Miami drug lord. It featured a round bed with a mirrored ceiling overhead. The former owner had been shot to death in that mirrored room, and there was a grand piano in the main lounge.

9. Was his shaky self-worth diminished further when he--a talented, charismatic amateur--came face to face with genius and the methods genius demands?

10. The constant danger for gurus is that they must keep producing new wonders for their followers. They can't let the act get stale or seem to be wrong about something, or, worst of all, to fail publicly.

11. But no matter how civilized she pretends to be, it's clear that if you ever got [Victoria] Principal into the backseat after a game, she would learn you a thing or two.

12. If word spread that Doris Day was broke, producers would offer her lowball salaries on the belief that she'd have to take them because she desperately needed the money. Worse, her public image was that of a sunny-spirited good girl; fans, the ones who bought the movie tickets and the records, might lose interest when they learned her image wasn't all that accurate.

13. In cultures where cannibalism carries religious or spiritual overtones--as opposed to its occasional appearance when folks just get really, really hungry--the act of consuming your dead enemy or beloved grandpa supposedly transfers to the the diner the power, soul, and positive attributes of the eaten."

The answers are after this spoiler space, brought to you by Dynamite magazine.

The actual last line of the cover story in that issue: "So who's the real winner? You are--the listeners."


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Answers:
1.

The bottom line, the only factor that ultimately mattered, was whether someone could sell enough records or not. Genius on the artist's part, whether genuine or self-perceived, didn't matter a damn.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
2.

Parts for dune buggy renovations were expensive.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
3.

While such behavior used to be regarded as pathological, current thinking suggests that the urge to light things up and burn them down is a natural aspect of childhood development. In other children, however, this urge is often subject to parental restraint.

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
4.

Time passes differently when one is married to a Druid priestess.

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
5.

He expected that the song would be recorded by the Beach Boys exactly as he had written it, or at least that his lyrics would remain intact. [Dennis] Wilson let him believe it.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
6.

____ explained that the Beatles were notifying the world of what was about to happen--a terrible race war where blacks slaughtered most whites, and the only survivors would take refuge in a bottomless desert pit.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
7.

"Kids don't know the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper," _____ told Playboy, though it might have been the speed doing the talking. "And when those who do see our film and hear us doing it, that will be the version they relate to and remember. you see, there is no such thing as the Beatles. They don't exist as a band and never performed Sgt. Pepper live."

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
8.

[He] ... moved into an eighty-foot houseboat that had belonged to a recently deceased Miami drug lord. It featured a round bed with a mirrored ceiling overhead. The former owner had been shot to death in that mirrored room, and there was a grand piano in the main lounge.

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
9.

Was his shaky self-worth diminished further when he--a talented, charismatic amateur--came face to face with genius and the methods genius demands?

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
10.

The constant danger for gurus is that they must keep producing new wonders for their followers. They can't let the act get stale or seem to be wrong about something, or, worst of all, to fail publicly.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
11.

But no matter how civilized she pretends to be, it's clear that if you ever got [Victoria] Principal into the backseat after a game, she would learn you a thing or two.

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
12.

If word spread that Doris Day was broke, producers would offer her lowball salaries on the belief that she'd have to take them because she desperately needed the money. Worse, her public image was that of a sunny-spirited good girl; fans, the ones who bought the movie tickets and the records, might lose interest when they learned her image wasn't all that accurate.

Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
13.

In cultures where cannibalism carries religious or spiritual overtones--as opposed to its occasional appearance when folks just get really, really hungry--the act of consuming your dead enemy or beloved grandpa supposedly transfers to the the diner the power, soul, and positive attributes of the eaten."

Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography