Sunday, August 11, 2013

Jive Talking

Can You Tell the Difference Between Charles Manson's Biography and the Bee Gees'?


mansonandbeegees.jpg
They all got dressed up for picture day!
Plump new biographies of two different charismatic cult leaders whose Beatles obsessions combined to kill the '60s dead: murderin' Family man Charles Manson, and falsettoin' man-family the Bee Gees! Unfortunately, the dust jackets got mixed up, and now we can't tell which book is which. Can you? Below are thirteen actual passages pulled from David N. Meyer's The Bee Gees: The Biography or Jeff Gunn's Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson. Can you tell which is which?
See also: 30 Facts About Ke$ha Gleaned From Her New Book My Crazy Beautiful Life
To get you started, here's a sample of the differences between the books:

When asked what the lyrics to "More Than a Woman" were about, Robin said, in one of his classic retorts, "Three tits, two vaginas." (The Bee Gees: The Biography)
Charlie's most notorious outburst aired in 1988, when he snarled to TV interviewer Geraldo Rivera that "I'm going to chop up some more of you motherfuckers .... I'm going to pile you up to the sky." (Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson)
Got it? Then let's go!
Note: Sometimes, I've removed a proper name, just to make it more challenging. And at other times I've added a proper noun, in brackets, to make these funnier.
1. The bottom line, the only factor that ultimately mattered, was whether someone could sell enough records or not. Genius on the artist's part, whether genuine or self-perceived, didn't matter a damn.
2. Parts for dune buggy renovations were expensive.
3. While such behavior used to be regarded as pathological, current thinking suggests that the urge to light things up and burn them down is a natural aspect of childhood development. In other children, however, this urge is often subject to parental restraint.
4. Time passes differently when one is married to a Druid priestess.
5. He expected that the song would be recorded by the Beach Boys exactly as he had written it, or at least that his lyrics would remain intact. [Dennis] Wilson let him believe it.
6. ____ explained that the Beatles were notifying the world of what was about to happen--a terrible race war where blacks slaughtered most whites, and the only survivors would take refuge in a bottomless desert pit.
7. "Kids don't know the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper," _____ told Playboy, though it might have been the speed doing the talking. "And when those who do see our film and hear us doing it, that will be the version they relate to and remember. you see, there is no such thing as the Beatles. They don't exist as a band and never performed Sgt. Pepper live."
8. [He] ... moved into an eighty-foot houseboat that had belonged to a recently deceased Miami drug lord. It featured a round bed with a mirrored ceiling overhead. The former owner had been shot to death in that mirrored room, and there was a grand piano in the main lounge.
9. Was his shaky self-worth diminished further when he--a talented, charismatic amateur--came face to face with genius and the methods genius demands?
10. The constant danger for gurus is that they must keep producing new wonders for their followers. They can't let the act get stale or seem to be wrong about something, or, worst of all, to fail publicly.
11. But no matter how civilized she pretends to be, it's clear that if you ever got [Victoria] Principal into the backseat after a game, she would learn you a thing or two.
12. If word spread that Doris Day was broke, producers would offer her lowball salaries on the belief that she'd have to take them because she desperately needed the money. Worse, her public image was that of a sunny-spirited good girl; fans, the ones who bought the movie tickets and the records, might lose interest when they learned her image wasn't all that accurate.
13. In cultures where cannibalism carries religious or spiritual overtones--as opposed to its occasional appearance when folks just get really, really hungry--the act of consuming your dead enemy or beloved grandpa supposedly transfers to the the diner the power, soul, and positive attributes of the eaten."
The answers are after this spoiler space, brought to you by Dynamite magazine.

beegeesdynamite.jpg
The actual last line of the cover story in that issue: "So who's the real winner? You are--the listeners."


--

Answers:
1.
The bottom line, the only factor that ultimately mattered, was whether someone could sell enough records or not. Genius on the artist's part, whether genuine or self-perceived, didn't matter a damn.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
2.
Parts for dune buggy renovations were expensive.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
3.
While such behavior used to be regarded as pathological, current thinking suggests that the urge to light things up and burn them down is a natural aspect of childhood development. In other children, however, this urge is often subject to parental restraint.
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
4.
Time passes differently when one is married to a Druid priestess.
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
5.
He expected that the song would be recorded by the Beach Boys exactly as he had written it, or at least that his lyrics would remain intact. [Dennis] Wilson let him believe it.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
6.
____ explained that the Beatles were notifying the world of what was about to happen--a terrible race war where blacks slaughtered most whites, and the only survivors would take refuge in a bottomless desert pit.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
7.
"Kids don't know the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper," _____ told Playboy, though it might have been the speed doing the talking. "And when those who do see our film and hear us doing it, that will be the version they relate to and remember. you see, there is no such thing as the Beatles. They don't exist as a band and never performed Sgt. Pepper live."
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
8.
[He] ... moved into an eighty-foot houseboat that had belonged to a recently deceased Miami drug lord. It featured a round bed with a mirrored ceiling overhead. The former owner had been shot to death in that mirrored room, and there was a grand piano in the main lounge.
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
9.
Was his shaky self-worth diminished further when he--a talented, charismatic amateur--came face to face with genius and the methods genius demands?
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
10.
The constant danger for gurus is that they must keep producing new wonders for their followers. They can't let the act get stale or seem to be wrong about something, or, worst of all, to fail publicly.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
11.
But no matter how civilized she pretends to be, it's clear that if you ever got [Victoria] Principal into the backseat after a game, she would learn you a thing or two.
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography
12.
If word spread that Doris Day was broke, producers would offer her lowball salaries on the belief that she'd have to take them because she desperately needed the money. Worse, her public image was that of a sunny-spirited good girl; fans, the ones who bought the movie tickets and the records, might lose interest when they learned her image wasn't all that accurate.
Biography: Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson
13.
In cultures where cannibalism carries religious or spiritual overtones--as opposed to its occasional appearance when folks just get really, really hungry--the act of consuming your dead enemy or beloved grandpa supposedly transfers to the the diner the power, soul, and positive attributes of the eaten."
Biography: The Bee Gees: The Biography

21 comments:

Panamint Patty said...

So you are saying you're not a fan...For Patty's reference, is Guinn better or worse than Gorightly?

ColScott said...

Nothing is worse than Gorightly

leary7 said...

not to sound like a dreaded suck-up but that is an entertaining and amusing post. The Col is on his game.

I just saw a weird Manson moment. I was watching one of my favorite old movies - "Starting Over" with Burt Reynolds and Candice Bergen. It is set in Boston so one reason I love it but it is also amusing in a sappy way. But there is this scene where Burt and Candice are in a grocery store and arguing about which coffee to buy and the Folger cans are prominently displayed and they finally settle on Folgers. I wonder if Candice thought of Cielo Drive and Abigail as she reached for the Folgers can.

leary7 said...

I'm with the Col on this one Patty. the book is 90% regurgitation. And anything new is just early childhood stuff. And the odd and insignificant comment from Katie and such. Nothing close to make it worth the full price. This just wasn't a good subject for Guinn. I don't think he has a clue as to the LSD world. It's like a sportswriter writing a book about Woodstock.

Matt said...

2. Parts for dune buggy renovations were expensive.

Really? At the time one could buy an entire used VW Bug for $25-$50 and the ONLY real renovation was ripping the body off and welding in roll-bar), but it provides a "motive" for Manson NEEDING money.

ColScott said...

Well Robin, the money Tex stole has never been accounted for. There is no reason to think Tex shared it with Charlie.

Matt said...

Leave her be, Col. She was agreeing with me. She just didn't know it.

Trilby said...

It's "cite", not "site".

Matt said...

You prove my point. I was poo pooing the NEEDED money "motive". You still miss that. Am I going too fast?

ColScott said...

Robin why are you even here? I called you a vile evil CUNT. A hate filled homophobe. Are you that masochistic?

Vera Dreiser said...

You honestly think your opinion means ANYTHING to me?

Suze said...

It obviously means something to you or you wouldn't keep coming back to see what he says.

Panamint Patty said...

WORD

Panamint Patty said...

Wait, Patty has a little more to say about this. Robin, this summer Patty spent a lot of time trying to make peace. Lynyrd, Katie, Brian, Paulina, ST, Grump and Patty are now cool. In fact, most of us are okay with each other, as evidenced by all the blog crosstalk going on (in case you did not notice). Things are downright rosy until you pop in and try to create chaos and hard feelings. You have been exposed for what you are: pure fucking POISON.

PS Vera Dreiser had a huge ass.

Jiri said...

The real Vera looks like she was a nice lady:

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=107368139


Suze said...

Vera Dreiser said...
Suze Baby, I couldn't give a hoot what Col says. I come back to continue the conversation of the topic discussed. In this case, the Guinn book...

She may come on to sites and point out stupidity, lies, hypocrisy, etc., but never gets personal...

-----

My observations tell me that you ONLY visit the blogs to criticize. I've never seen you show up and offer any knowledge or a positive contribution. That's been pointed out to you before.

Suze said...

I saw your original post. It was much less constructive input and much more sniping at someone. And as that person pointed out, you agreed with him but hadn't read it closely before firing away.

Who the hell is Robin Olson, anyway?

Panamint Patty said...

She's a mean, crazy bitch.

ColScott said...

Vera/ Robin

First of all, you idiot, censorship only applies to the government. I have a right to moderate posts as I see fit.

Second of all, in front of all these good people, I will ask you a single question. You can answer it, or fuck right off, and talk about cowardice to someone else. You ready?

It is clear to all involved that you have something against Alisa Statman. Aside from her sexual orientation and your former friend Patti's love for her what is your issue with Alisa? Or is it just that she is gay and you are a hatefilled homophobe?

ColScott said...

You deny being Robin, therefore you are a liar. I ask you to not post on this blog or even read it. You aren't fit for human kind.

ColScott said...

Robin, we don't censor dissenting voices we just don't let assholes into our house so they can shit on the carpet. You aren't hours broken. And you call someone coward and still refuse to admit who you are? You do understand there is NO DOUBT who you are, none, proxies or not?